


Queer Eye (uk icon edition) (x reader)

by Postsynthcomrade5



Category: British Comedy RPF, British Singers RPF, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, Fluff, One Shot, Reality TV, Short One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-06
Updated: 2019-08-06
Packaged: 2020-08-10 04:17:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20129227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Postsynthcomrade5/pseuds/Postsynthcomrade5
Summary: George Michael-Food and wine expertFreddie Mercury-Culture and lifestyle expertPete Burns-Interior Design expertDavid Bowie-Fashion expertRik Mayall-Grooming expert





	1. Chapter 1

David Bowie would be the fashion expert, he’s tried many different styles and is very knowledgeable about Art and Fashion.

(a tall man with slicked-back blonde hair is sitting in a chair, wearing a bright shirt,scarf and overcoat looking suave as he shows photos of his Ziggy Stardust days)

"Hello, I'm David Bowie and me and the fab 5 are coming to town while I help you with your fashion"

Pete Burns could probably be the furniture and interior designer since he’s been on shows like Celebrity wedding planner where he has helped people decorate for the occasion.

(a tall androgynous man with long black locks of hair is sitting in a chair in a Japanese inspired designer dress)

he speaks with a scouse dialect 

"Hi, I'm Pete Burns and is there something wrong with your house?, are you in too Deep? well you're in luck because I can do a lot of handy work and there are no pages of this shitty script left"

with Freddie Mercury or George Michael, I’m not sure about as they’d be both good cooks and culture experts

(two men are sitting aside from each other, one has short black hair and a moustache, wearing a leather jacket, jeans and colourful vest) "Are they recording now?" "Hello, I'm Freddie Mercury," he says proudly, as the man across from him is donning a plain shirt, blazer, cross necklace and sunglasses "and I'm George Michael,and I'm from Wham! "Queen!" Freddie interrupted, 

Freddie said, "I've learnt a lot from my chef Joe Fanelli about how to expand your palette"

George chuckled to himself, "says the person who can't work a microwave"

Freddie chuckled "Oh shut up, I can cook a stew or two just watch me"

(the camera then tilts to another man who is sitting by a makeup table, he has semi-long grey hair and bright blue eyes, he is donning a flannel shirt, jeans and trainers as he smirks widely)

Rik is the grooming expert, he’s changed his look the same amount of times that bowie has, some of his looks have been quite androgynous, and he also knows a lot about politics, he is very sweet and cheerful, his wife was a makeup artist so he’d probably have some makeup knowledge.

he addresses the viewer with a calm tone "I'm Rik and honey, I'll be working on your hair and makeup today, I don't know why I'm being teamed up with the others, but if we're improving the lives of others by adding that extra spark then *he then does some exaggerated poses and hand gestures* let's do this bitch*

he then smirks and poses like a supermodel,

(the fab 5 are then in a geep car as they drive along the city)

Pete Burns: Ready to see who we're helping today 

George Michael:Yasss 

David Bowie: who is our hero?

Pete Burns: well they are (y/n) from (insert location here)

Pete Burns: They are (authors note: you continue the rest as this is an x-reader) 

Freddie Mercury: let's make them fabulous


	2. Chapter 2

David Bowie knows his fashion, he's worked with Twiggy, he's had designer Japanese clothing on during his Ziggy tours, the man knows his Gucci from his Kansai Yamamoto contemporaries

he walks alongside you at the boutique "Now, style is all about individuality, it's about wearing what makes you feel good, wearing something that reflects the aesthetic of who you are"

he makes you try on various clothes

"Now, doesn't that feel glorious,"

"so what would your average look be like?"

"I see that's what works for you and that's fine, let's see if there's anything that strikes your fancy"

"I am Ziggy, but you don't see me always wearing platform boots and jumpsuits, you need to balance the formal with the casual"

Pete Burns is familiar with the Reality TV scene being someone who was on Reality TV many years ago

he sits in your lounge asking about your interior design ideas

"Right let's get one thing straight, which I am not, you're not getting a sims house, it's simply not in my control, but I can similarly decorate your home if you like, now what about this house do you like and what do you think is shit?"

"HOW OLD IS THIS SOFA? your getting a new one no questions asked"

"well we're keeping this and dropping that, anything that your in the middle about we can donate"

"I know a place that has good deals, let me show you"

Freddie Mercury was in the successful rock band Queen, being raised in Zanzibar before moving to England later on, he knows a lot about different cultures

"So Darling, how does this make you feel, has the weight left your shoulders or is something still worrying you?"

"I partied a lot back in the day, but it was unhealthy, you need to step back, self reflect and move on"

"I can get you connected with some great producers if that's what you plan to do?"

"Your an artist, sometimes you feel uninspired, but that will soon move like a storm cloud and you'll be full of ideas again"

George Michael would sometimes work at his families restaurant, but he would also get takeaways often 

"If you ever don't feel like cooking, you can get these simple cheap meals from Mark and Spencers"

"I see you like Takeaways, that's understandable but there's more than just Chip shops, Pizza and Mcdonald's there's a whole world of food places out there if you ever want to treat yourself or your special someone"

"So let's see what you have in your fridge, shall we? "

"You need to balance this all out pasta, chicken, fish, the usual food groups"

Rik Mayall used to be a famous TV star, mainly starring in comedy shows, for one of his roles in the show Black Adder, he arranged with the makeup department to decorate his hair with seashells, for the Lord Flashheart character he played, 

(Authors Note: this is true)

Rik has moderate makeup and hair care knowledge, he has changed his look the same amount of times David Bowie has, in his university days Rik had quite long strawberry blonde hair in a fringe, he then got it cut in the early 1980s, then for a TV role his hair looked more curly and very Gene Wilder esque, as the 1990s rolled around his hair was long again and a much brighter and light shade of blonde, this lasted up to the 2000s as he aged up and the blonde turned grey.

Rik is slightly offended by the age remark,

"Are you calling me old?, I'm only 61 you know that's younger than Freddie and Bowie combined"

Rik is unhappy with the age comment, compared to the others, Freddie is 73, David is 72, George is the youngest at 56 followed by Pete having just turned 60 one month back, with Rik being 61

"then again I've still got it, I'm just a grey fox now, but there's only one person I've got my heart on"

Rik is blushing as he holds onto his chin, smiling as he starts to reminisce about his past

Rik's wife is the makeup artist Barbara Robin, she means the world to him,

he's thinking about the past, he is cheerfully mentioning wholesome anecdotes but then he is reminded that he is also on a reality show right now"

he stumbles off his dressing room chair and prepares for filming,

in the introduction, he has on a black shirt, trousers, another shirt tied over his waist, trainers and a black hat (<https://pbs.twimg.com/media/D_w_Yc9WkAAIBX7?format=png&name=small>)

but when he greets you he has on a big dark coat,

he politely shakes your hand "Hello Y/N, now while you're probably familiar with the other guys, you probably don't know me, well like them I'm also a Pan Global Phenomenon, I'm Rik Mayall, it's nice to meet you"

In between the talks you get from Pete, George, Freddie and David, Rik also sometimes talks to you

"So what do you enjoy? outside of your job or subject of study, I like listening to old vinyl records and drawing, what hobby do you have? do you also like music? what genre? I'm quite into rock and blues so I'm talking Little Richard, Van Morrison, Dr.Feelgood, but I do enjoy a little ABBA now and then"

"When do you find time to unwind? if you don't then that's fine we can help you with that, you see what you need to learn, is a little a bit of self-care, so think about the times when you're not busy, think about rewarding yourself for all the hard work you've done today,self-care can be anything from managing your skin and hair care to making sure you've had enough sleep"

"Remember to love and care for yourself as much as you do for others, be kind to yourself and remember when you need time to recharge for the next day, try to relax and take as much time for yourself as you make time for others"

The change the fab 5 had made, was starting to take motion.

David Bowie had taken you round some local boutiques to find some cool outfits to suit your style.

Pete Burns was in the process of decorating your wallpaper and finding some appropriate room decor

George Michael and Freddie Mercury were organizing your kitchen, George made a list of some good local restaurants and takeaway places and Freddie had taught you some new meals to make.

Rik had some moderate makeup knowledge from his wife who is a makeup artist and being someone who was once a famous actor on television, he's had many different looks over the years.

" honey, I'll be working on your hair and makeup today, 

you sat down in the salon chair as he flung on a salon cape over you while you wondered what this makeover would entail,

he stood behind you in a black t-shirt with rolled-up sleeves and jeans as he asked, "So what type of style are you looking for?","would like it to be straight, curly, a bit of both, an undercut? a mullet? "and even if you don't have a specific style in mind that's totally fine, I'm just going to be cleaning it up a bit for you", 

he added some spray before he started to comb the hair,

once you had decided on how you wanted your hair to look, Rik got to work, as he divided the hair into sections while he got out some scissors and carefully cut the hair,

he focused on cutting and combing while following the style instructions (if you had decided on a style).

if you didn't decide on a style, then he was simply just cleaning up your hair, making sure it didn't look uneven

then out came the blowdryer as the cool heat absorbed your locks, as he continuously moved it around

he handed you a mirror "your done now, what do you think?"

when you gave your positive response, he smiled, "I'm so happy to hear that, you're very welcome"

next, was the makeup, depending on your taste, after you explained what colours and makeup styles you liked, he immediately got to work, he opened up his eyeshadow and blush containers and he started taking his brushes, dabbing them into the containers and then applying the various colours and shades onto your face like an artist adding paint onto their canvas.

he continued this with each makeup product, he tried to be as delicate as possible, after that and some ointment was applied, it was now time for nail polish.

different colours were painted, if you wanted a pattern that was also added, it was quite a nice experience.

sometimes during the hair and makeup sessions, he would chat to you again

"So..? How do you feel about being nominated for this, while some people on this show didn't mind, as a someone who was in front of the television cameras a lot back in the day, I understand why it seems a bit overwhelming,let me know if anything bothers you, whether it's during this makeover session or whether it's during the episode filming,"

"What are your thoughts on what's going on in the world at the moment? it's a shitstorm let me tell you, I mean we've got Boris as MP, the whole Trump situation and global warming"

"Boris is a privileged cunt who has no idea how to run the country, Trump, well he's just a bastard, isn't he? locking up and separating people from their families, it's awful, global warming, well the planet is burning out and barely anyone wants to hear about it, we already had worries about these sort of events back in the 1980s, with Nuclear War fear and it was terrifying,"

"There's also all this lark about Area 51, well I watch a couple of documentaries so I believe that might be possible, but there could be other events going on there,I did a documentary once,Violent Nation, it was about all the methods of death and violence that were used in the middle ages up to now,it was an interesting experience,"

"I was also in a political satire show called The New Statesman but that was back in the Margaret Thatcher days, so I played Alan B'stard, he was just a complete satire of those power-hungry champagne drinking twats...Unfortunately, I also ended up meeting Tony Blair a few times, he's also a twat, that didn't go well, I don't know why I didn't recognize that at the time, but you know when your an old fat git like me you learn to be more aware of your thoughts and actions as you change throughout the years, that's just life.

"Although, from the way times are now, it feels like we're going backwards and people are so hateful towards each other, have we forgotten that love can be just as strong as hate?, we are all still people in the end and I believe that we are equal and that love is the answer and most people just want to love who they want to and express themselves for who they are,whether they're Gay, Straight, Bisexual or any other identity."

"I hear a lot about TERFs, apparently they are trans-exclusionary feminists, I'm a feminist but I believe that feminism should be intersectional and inclusive, not exclusive, feminism is about women's rights for all women right? 


End file.
